Moving Forward

It’s been a long time. I’m unsure whether it’s vanity or nostalgia that makes me hope that I am still recognized in this community. It feels foreign to me to be drafting this post after months of inactivity but on the other hand it’s warm and welcoming, like home. Yes, exactly like home.

Why have I been gone so long, you ask? Have I “outgrown” Visual Kei? Please. Don’t make me laugh. You can’t outgrow what you live for. Truthfully, I’ve lost a lot of my will to live. I’ve become numb and empty. Everything seems to have slipped away from my grasp and I feel disconnected from my own mind and body, as well as the world around me.

The wheels of fate began to turn this afternoon when I randomly decided to check my seldom-used e-mail account I had set up specifically for the blog. Within the cesspools of my inbox I discovered a very touching message from a cherished friend, Gacktpause. As much as I love private, intimate conversations among friends, I feel it would be more appropriate to respond to this e-mail publicly. It’s been a long time coming, yet these words need to be said. To everyone.

After reading, re-reading, and re-reading the message many times over, I began to feel a sensation all over me, my intuition so it seemed. I knew what I had to do. I raced for my iPod and began to listen to GACKT. I had never stopped enjoying his music during my absence, but this time I seriously listened to the song. I entered a sort of VK zen-like state of mind, where every syllable of the song cut into me like thorns. Of course, I wept deeply but I have no shame in admitting this because for the first time in a while, I felt a little glimmer of hope that I wasn’t alone in this cruel world. It was in this moment that my life’s validity was reaffirmed to me, that I did matter, that no matter how bad things got I could keep living with a smile on my face.

The moral of the story goes that no matter how far you get away from home, the people you love and the things that count will help steer you on the right path. You’re only as alone as you let yourself be. In all, Visual Kei is my family, and I’ll never forsake my family again.

Thank you, GACKT. Thank you my dear friend, Gacktpause. I’m finally on the path back home.


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